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Last updateTue, 06 Aug 2013 2am

Tuesday, 12 June 2012 19:05

Misreading Evidence

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Image from the Darkana Tarot Deck - http://dandonche.co/store Image from the Darkana Tarot Deck - http://dandonche.co/store Dan Donche

Confidential Phone Record Transcription                       May 4, 2012

Case# 12-24506

Ms. Teri: Thank you for calling The House of Cards, where your future is always in the cards. This is Ms. Teri speaking. Can I have your name and date of birth, honey?

Simon: Oh, yeah. Simon. August seventeen, sixty-eight. Is this the real Ms. Teri? Like, from the commercials?

Ms. Teri: (Laughs) Of course, honey. Who else would it be?

Simon: I don't know, another random psychic? I've been trying to reach you for hours, but I get someone else every time. What, do you people run an all-seeing cubicle farm? 

Ms. Teri: (Laughs) Not at all, honey. Our network just happens to employ many of us who have the gift. As for me, I am indeed the real Ms. Teri, at your service. Now, Simon, you're calling for a reading, correct? And you-

Simon: (Audible Noise)

Ms. Teri: Hello? Are you there?

Simon: Yeah, sorry. Just getting out of my car. I'm here.

Ms. Teri: No problem, honey. And you agree to the standard $5.99 per minute fee?

Simon: Mmm-hmm, sure.

Ms. Teri: Excellent. I'd like to begin by giving you a tarot card reading. Do you have a particular layout in mind? The Celtic Cross? Mirror? The Mandala Spread?

Simon: I don't know. Regular, I guess?

Ms. Teri: (Laughs) All right. Tonight, I'll be using the traditional five card spread. Now then, how can the fates help you, Simon? Is it Love? Money? Career advice, perhaps? 

Simon: Actually (Pause) I'm about to make a pretty big decision. I want to know if I should go through with it.


Ms. Teri: What kind of decision, honey? Tell me about it.

Simon: Shouldn't you know by now? You're the psychic.

Ms. Teri: (Laughs) In that case, let's begin. (Pause) Hmm... I see.

Simon: What is it?

Ms. Teri: Well, your first card, the center card, represents your present situation. Where you are in life. And I've just drawn the Hierophant.  

Simon: Is that good?

Ms. Teri: Normally, yes. The Hierophant represents knowledge. Ritual. Morality. But if the Hierophant is drawn in reverse, it means the opposite. Poor advice. A distortion of truth. Propaganda. 

Simon: Let me guess. It's reversed.

Ms. Teri: I'm afraid so, honey. I believe the fates are foretelling of false council.

Simon: That seems oddly ironic, don't you think?

Ms. Teri: Do not confuse the words of man with the powers of the fates, Simon. It appears as though you've recently been deceived, am I correct?   

Simon: Something like that, yeah.

Ms. Teri: You see, the fates are never wrong, honey. Now, to the right of the Hierophant goes the second card. The card that will reveal to me your past. (Pause) Hmm...

Simon: Another reversed card?

Ms. Teri: Not this time, no. I've drawn the Page of Wands. An interesting card in-

Simon: (Audible Crash)

Ms. Teri: Hello? Are you okay?

Simon: Sorry, I, um, dropped a plate. I'm here. Yeah.

Ms. Teri: It's okay, honey. As I was saying, the Page of Wands represents a trusting individual. Someone who is loyal, and follows direction. Could this be you, perhaps?

Simon: (Long Pause) No, not me. It makes sense, though. I know someone like that.

Ms. Teri: I see. Well, the picture is becoming clearer, Simon. Now we move to the right of the Hierophant. With past and present revealed, we must take a look at your future. (Pause) Oh, my...

Simon: That doesn't sound good.

Ms. Teri: The cards have many meanings, honey, but the reversed Nine of Swords is especially fickle. True, it can represent despair, but it can also be read as isolation, either mentally or physically. Would you consider yourself to be a private person, Simon?

Simon: These days? Yeah. You could say that.

Ms. Teri: Well, we must be careful to interpret these last cards correctly. You've come in search of advice about a major decision in your life, and this fourth card, the one placed below the Heirophant, will give me the reason why you've chosen to consult with the fates.       

Simon: So you're about to find me out, huh?

Ms. Teri: (Laughs). I only speak what the fates already know, honey. Now then, I will... (Pause) Oh.

Simon: (Silence)

Ms. Teri: Simon? Are you there?

Simon: Yeah, sorry again. I'm just, I'm in the middle of something. Keep going.

Ms. Teri: It's fine. I'm just relieved you're still on the line. You see, I've drawn the Tower.

Simon: So that's the big reason why I'm calling you, huh?

Ms. Teri: This is no ordinary tower, honey. It means upheaval. Sudden loss. Ruin.

Simon: Is that right? For once, I wish it was reversed.

Ms. Teri: Simon, you've recently experienced major changes in your life because of deception, haven't you?

Simon: That's (Pause) actually, yeah. Oddly accurate.

Ms. Teri: As I've told you, honey, nothing is beyond the Fates' gaze. Which brings us to your final card, the one that will show us the potential hidden within the outcome of your decision. When placed above the Hierophant, all will finally be revealed.

Simon: I can hardly wait.

Ms. Teri: (Long Pause) Ah ha!       

Simon: What? What is it?

Ms. Teri: I've drawn the Eight of Wands. It is a card of hope, Simon. A card that signifies the importance of moving forward, that the time and conditions are right for you to take charge of your own destiny.

Simon: So, you're saying (Pause) I should go through with it?

Ms. Teri: You've known the answer all along, haven't you, honey?

Simon: I guess I have. Thank you Ms. Teri. You've been very helpful.

Ms. Teri: It's my pleasure, Simon. Now, if you don't mind my saying, coping with spousal infidelity can be a very difficult time. How about we do a tea-leaf reading next? I find them to be especially helpful in dealing with separation and divorce-related issues. 

Simon: I've got a better idea. How about I do a reading for you?

Ms. Teri: I'm sorry?

Simon: Yeah, I'm looking into my crystal ball right now, and I'm seeing a no-talent fraud. I'm seeing someone who charges $5.99 a minute to give marriage advice to women who believe in this shit.

Ms. Teri: Simon, honey, I think you have me confused with-

Simon: No, I know exactly who you are, Ms. Teri. So, how about you answer me this: who's standing outside your apartment door right now?

Ms. Teri: Wait, Simon, I-

Simon: (Audible Crash)

Ms. Teri: Simon!

Simon: (Woman Screaming)

Ms. Teri: Oh my God!

Simon: (Shots Fired)

Ms. Teri: Simon!

Simon: What the... (Pause) You said you were the real Ms. Teri!

Ms. Teri: I, I did, but a lot of us say that, honey. It's just for show. Now, why don't you calm down and tell me-

Aw, shi-

(Call Disconnected)

End of Transcript

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Last modified on Tuesday, 12 June 2012 21:02
Chris Lewis Carter

From high-school textbooks to award-winning magazines and podcasts, Chris Lewis Carter has been featured in nearly two dozen publications - both online and print - including Nelson Literacy 8, Word Riot, 3AM Magazine, Murky Depths, Niteblade, and Pseudopod. He is a lead writer for Rival Threads: Last Class Heroes, a video game scheduled to be released for iOS, Windows, and Mac in 2012, and the creator of Camp Myth, a kickstarter-funded YA series. Find out more at chrislewiscarter.com.

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