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Back You are here: Home Reports from Real Life Oh, The Things We've Seen! Reviews Review of Color Atlas and Synopsis of Sexually Transmitted Diseases by H. Hunter Hansfield: A perfect accessory for any squeaky bedside table.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011 04:33

Review of Color Atlas and Synopsis of Sexually Transmitted Diseases by H. Hunter Hansfield: A perfect accessory for any squeaky bedside table.

Written by  Caleb J. Ross
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This is a guest post by Caleb J Ross as part of his Stranger Will Tour for Strange blog tour. His goal is to post at a different blog every few days beginning with the release of his novel Stranger Will in March 2011 to the release of his second novel, I Didn’t Mean to Be Kevin in November 2011. If you have connections to a lit blog of any type, professional journal or personal site, please contact him. He would love to compromise your integrity for a day. To be a groupie and follow this tour, subscribe to the Caleb J Ross blog RSS feed. Follow him on Twitter: @calebjross.com. Friend him on Facebook: Facebook.com/rosscaleb

calebjournalcoverEwwwww! Gross! Gross! Oh My God! Grooooosssss!

I was going to leave this review at that single reactionary statement, but I’ve decided that because I was forced to suffer through this Mötley Crüe family photo album, then you, morbidly fascinated reader, must as well.

Newspaper journalists will be familiar with the ‘inverted pyramid’ approach to revealing the book’s content without having to read the back cover. Talk about not burying your lead. “So, what is Color Atlas and Synopsis of Sexually Transmitted Diseases about?” “It’s an atlas that contains color photos and synopses of sexually transmitted diseases.” This, for normal people, would be the end of such a conversation. For me, it was, regrettably, the beginning.

The table of contents is conveniently structured by type of disease, allowing for quick access to information. Bacterial Sexually Transmitted Diseases is followed by Viral Sexually Transmitted Diseases is followed by Cutaneous Infestations is followed by Clinical STD Syndromes. This easy access makes the book very compatible with the lifestyle of the reader for which it seems to be intended. No time for condom means no time to navigate a detailed table of contents.

The scientific approach to the TOC as well as the linguistically clinical sounding book title instills a false sense of comfort when preparing to venture beyond the opening pages. I expected to be eased into the photographs. I wanted to be seduced, for lack of a better term. But no. Page 13. A close-cropped ¼ page image of a penis head, leaking something like a blend of semen and pus.

Ewwwww! Gross! Gross! Oh My God! Grooooosssss!

The book follows with hundreds more images, rarely less disturbing, usually building up and topping the established comfort gained by previous photos.

Perhaps the most amazing part of this book is that each photo contains patient profiles, outlining the age, sexual orientation, profession, and relationship history of the subjects. This offers a unique insight into the everyday lives of those one might assume are inherently “dirty.” But what I learned is that just about anyone can be an STD carrier. From the 23-year old female prostitute who undergoes routine STD screening every 3-4 months (pg 27) to the 26-year old male, unemployed IV drug user (pg 43) to the 47 year-old male merchant seaman…for real (pg 63)…wait, was I trying to make a point here? If the point was that prostitutes, drug addicts, and sailors often get sexual diseases, then I guess I’ve succeeded.

The only logical question at this point is, who would write such a book? The logical answer: someone who wants to do his family proud. Here is the actual dedication for this book:

“This book is dedicated with love and respect to my father, Hugh W. Handsfield, for 40 years an editor and editor-in-chief of the McGraw-Hill College Division. He always wanted a McGraw-Hill author in the family.”

“Thanks son. As I lie here on my deathbed—ironically due to an infection contracted from a Thai Ladyboy during last year’s annual “business trip”—I remember back on my initial hopes for you as you entered our world those many, many years ago: please, my darling baby boy, publish a book full of graphically detailed gross genitals. Make your father proud. *cough* Long live McGraw-Hill…”

Perhaps, though, the author with his homophonically pro-masturbation name, truly was destined to create such a book. Mr. Hunter ‘Hands feel’ writes sexual-repulsion book. Mic Hunter (my cunt/cunt hunter?) writes a pro-boner book. The world works in mysteriously unpleasant ways.

After all of this, you are probably wondering how you can get your lubricated hands on a copy of Color Atlas and Synopsis of Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Lady Luck (the figurative representation of good luck, not Hugh Hansfield’s aforementioned shemale hooker) is on your side. As part of this blog tour for my novel, Stranger Will, I am giving away a Tour Groupie package that contains a copy of this book. Also included: a selection of other groupie themed paraphernalia including:

  1. Latex gloves, or hand-condoms. This keeps you guilt free while reading Stranger Will.
  2. A paperback copy of Stranger Will, possibly slathered in my own DNA, definitely slathered in a personal inscription
  3. An 11” x 16” poster from the 1970 movie “I Am a Groupie.”

Read the tour stop at Big Other for more details

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Last modified on Thursday, 15 March 2012 22:55
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